THE NOT REALLY AMAZING SPIDER-MAN 2
by Dagenspear
Summary: Watch Peter Parker struggle with being a douchebag, as Max Dillon becomes the convenient and pointless Electro and Harry Osborn is left to die by his friend and goes crazy, maybe(?) and becomes the Non-Goblin. An Amazing Spider-Man 2 Parody.
1. Chapter 1

INTERIOR. Oscorp. Evil experiments wing. So apparently the whole building.

Richard Parker poisons and kills his experimental super power giving spiders.

RICHARD: There! Now I have successfully killed the spiders that the movie will establish are useless to everyone but me and my son, making this an utter time waster and completely pointless!

Richard's security clearance is revoked!

RICHARD: Oh no! What a completely foreseen occurrence that I knew was coming and yet has taken me completely by surprise!

Richard rushes out of the building, apparently being chased by approximately ZERO security guards, despite him setting off an alarm.

INTERIOR. Peter Parker's house of loserdom. Basement.

Richard records a VIDEO of himself.

RICHARD: So, I'm being hunted by an evil corporation that wants to kill me and the government who wants to throw me in prison as a traitor. Naturally, this makes me want to waste time recording a video that there's a one and a million chance anyone will ever see. I'm a genius, by the way.

PETER: Dad! I've realized how pathetic it is that I am apparently playing hide and go seek by myself!

Richard stops the recording and runs up the stairs and into his office.

RICHARD: Oscorp has ransacked my office! For some reason! And without making any noise!

INTERIOR. The house of Aunt May and someone unimportant named Ben.

Mary and Richard say goodbye to Peter. Peter grabs Richard's hand as he walks out the door.

PETER: Dad! Please don't leave me with these clearly inadequate and unimportant guardians!

RICHARD: Sorry son, but the last movie established that you didn't grab my hand, so good riddance.

Richard and Mary leave.

INTERIOR. Plane.

MARY: He won't understand.

RICHARD: I don't even understand it! If my blood is what makes the spiders usable, why am I leaving my son completely unprotected and open to be used as leverage against us?! And why did I leave my briefcase with my clearly unimportant brother and his wife May that could surely put them in horrible danger?! Am I just that big of a douche?!

EVIL ASSASSIN (bursts in): Apparently!

The Assassin kills Mary!

RICHARD: NO! Eh, who cares.

The plane begins CRASHING because it sensed that there was a need for DRAMATIC TENSION and the DEATHS OF THE MAIN CHARACTER'S PARENTS. Richard fights and defeats the Assassin, because scientists can totally just do that, ask Man Of Steel. The Assassin is sucked out of the plane's window.

EVIL ASSASSIN: I REGRET NOTHING!

Richard uploads his video to his batcave on his computer FROM THE FUTURE!

CUT TO BLACK.

Fade to a red spider instead of a title because Marc Webb thinks he's Christopher Nolan. Open in a complete tonal shift from the first film, because if there's one thing people love it's when a sequel blows off half of the concepts of the first film to pander to people who hated it. Peter swings through New-York, after apparently jumping out of an airplane. A helpful blowhorn announces police business to the public so Peter can hear and help stop the Oscorp plutonium truck that has been stolen by someone the audience doesn't know that name of.

RUSSIAN MOBSTER: SAY HELLO TO ALESKI SKETCHOVITCH!

Well, thanks, that was helpful. Peter lands on the truck and proceeds to act like a total douchebag, because Marc Webb decided that THAT was what needed to be preserved from the last movie.

ALESKI: Why are you making jokes and not stopping me from running over all of these people in their cars?!

PETER: Pfft! Heroes don't have to save people anymore! They just have to kill the bad guy and have angst about stuff! Unless, of course, those people are important to the plot. Speaking of which!

Swings away to save Max Dillon and ONLY Max Dillon.

MAX: WOW! You saved me and no one else! I must be pretty important to you!

PETER: Nope. The writers just need a contrived and lazy reason for us to meet so you can have an equally contrived and lazy reason to hate me, because literally 2 minutes of thought was put into the plot and characterization of this movie!

Is glared at by Marc Webb, Alex Kurtzman & Roberto Orci and the entire board of directors at Sony.

PETER: Uh, I mean, YEAH! Of course you're important! You're my eyes and ears out here, and stuff... You're so important that I'm going to stand here and boost your ego instead of stopping the stolen plutonium truck being driven by Aleski Sketchovitch, who seems to be on crack!

Peter's phone magically appears out of nowhere, as it rings his theme song (cute right?) and he is then hit by a vehicle, because what's spider-sense again? It's Gwen. Peter then hallucinates (or sees the ghost of? Eh, who knows? Not the writers and director that's for sure.) CAPTAIN GEORGE STACY!

PETER (shrieks in TERROR): HOLY CRAP! PLEASE DON'T TELL ME THIS MOVIE WAS DIRECTED BY M. NIGHT SHAMYLAN!

GHOST? CAPTAIN GEORGE STACY: No. Worse. Marc Webb again.

PETER (shrieks in TERROR again): NNNNOOOOOO!

GHOST? CAPTAIN GEORGE STACY: Will you just shut up and answers the phone already!? I'm contractually obligated to be in this movie, but if my scenes are short enough no one will pay close attention to me and my career won't be ruined by this.

Peter answers the phone while riding on the vehicle.

GWEN: Peter, where are you?

PETER: Seriously? Do you have ask? You do remember I'm Spider-Man, right?

GWEN: Of course! Are those sirens?

PETER: *FACE-PALMS*

ANNOUNCER: Valedictorian, Gwen Stacy!

GWEN: Holy crap! I'm valedictorian?! I thought this sash was just a fashion accessory!

Peter slap sticks his way through grabbing the plutonium.

GWEN: I was going to give a big pretentious speech about how I now know more about life than any of you, but I decided to just come out and say that I am totally going to be killed off at the end of this movie, because I figured that that would be more subtle.

Peter stops the truck and defeats Aleski with the power of grade-school bullying!


	2. Chapter 2

**Hey! Thanks for the reviews! I hope I get more from you guys!**

MAY: Your Uncle Ben. You know, the most important figure in your life.

PETER: Oh! Yeah! That guy! Responsibility and stuff... Yeah, he was great. Now let's talk about my parents!

May glares in annoyance.

MAY: Hey, there's that girl who is going to di-I mean, there's your girlfriend! Why don't you leave me to sulk in peace while you two cute dialogue/possible sexual innuendo the audience death!

Peter proceeds to do just that.

PETER: Hey, don't you think it's strange how you don't seem to feel any guilt about the fact that you're totally middle-fingering your father's memory?

GWEN: Pfft! Why should I? It's not like I cared about him or anything...

PETER: Yeah... I'm starting to notice that these movie's have a problem with parent/child relationships. I'm not even sure if I feel guilty about inadvertently causing that-guy-whose-name-I-forget's death.

GWEN: Guilt's for losers!

PETER: I think you mean it's for non-sociopath's.

GWEN: Whatever! Marc Webb's totes cool with the young people and knows what they want! And that's protagonists who don't care about anything!

PETER: I was totally just telling that to someone earlier!

Gwen pulls out her phone showing a picture of crack addict Aleksi Sketchovitch's failed plutonium robbery.

GWEN: Was it THIS someone?

PETER: Whoa! That's an awesome life threatening picture that person took! How'd they get the camera off his corpse and post it so fast after the truck hit and killed him?!

GWEN: Were you there or not?

PETER: Uh, yeah. I'm like Spider-Man. Be honest, did you forget that?

GWEN: No!

PETER: And where's Flash?

GWEN: I'm pretty sure his show doesn't start until October on The CW.

PETER: No! Not the show with the actor that people wish were playing Spider-Man instead of me! I'm talking about Flash Thompson!

GWEN: Who?

PETER: That guy who was my bully but then became friends with me for no discernible reason and because Marc Webb doesn't understand what nerd empowerment means!

GWEN: Oh. Yeah. We're just pretending like that guy doesn't exist now because this is basically a soft-serve reboot. So, just play along.

PETER: O-kay.

GWEN: Now, don't forget to come by so we can have sex- I mean... So I can read you my speech.

PETER: Totally.

Peter's spider-sense goes off and Peter sees Ghost/Hallucination?Captain Stacy again!

PETER: Wait a minute. Why is my spider-sense going off? Is it predicting danger for Gwen and you're a side-effect? Are you hallucination? Or are you a real ghost warning me and THATS what's setting off my spider-sense?

GHOST/HALLUCINATION?CAPTAIN STACY: It's best not to think about it. No one involved in the making of this movie did. Just know that no matter what, Marc Webb doesn't understand how spider-sense works.

EXT. EVIL OSCORP'S EVIL ROOFTOP OF EVIL-FLASHBACK.

Captain George Stacy lays, dying.

ALIVE!CAPTAIN STACY: So, you're really not gonna use that lizard serum you took out the Denali thing to heal me and save my life?

PETER: Nah.

ALIVE!CAPTAIN STACY: Then, Peter, promise me you won't bang my daughter because I totally know how dumb she really is and she'll totally risk her life for no reason whatsoever because she's that pigheaded.

PETER: I promise.

Peter's snickers as he holds his fingers crossed his behind back.

EXT. GRADUATION-PRESENT DAY.

GHOST/HALLUCINATION?CAPTAIN STACY: Oh, yeah, I forgot to say something: You're a total douchebag.

PETER: You don't have to tell me twice.

EXT. RESTAURANT-LATER THAT DAY... AT NIGHT.

Peter and Gwen talk outside.

PETER: I've gotta break-up with you because the movie needs unnecessary melodrama- I mean, because I couldn't live with myself if you got killed for no reason like your Dad did!

GWEN: But then we wouldn't be together! (Actual line) Who does that help?

Peter stares at Gwen, stupefied, before snapping out of it.

PETER: What are you, crazy? It help's us both! I don't have to live with the guilt of being a complete douchebag because I broke a promise to a dying man to get into your pants, and I can avoid any future guilt I'll have if you run idiotically face first into danger! And you won't die! See? Everybody wins!

GWEN: But it's not Daddy's choice! It's MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE!

Gwen stomps her foot like a three year old throwing a temper tantrum.

PETER: WOW. I was also gonna say that you won't have to feel guilty for hooking up with whom it was your father's dying wish for you not to hook up with. But clearly that's not an issue.

GWEN (Actual line): You have done this to me again and again. Yo-

PETER (cutting her off): WHOA! Hold the phone right there! I've done this before this movie?! How many times have I hallucinated your Dad? And why have I not had myself locked up because I'm dangerously insane?!

GWEN (Actual line): I break up with you, Peter. I break up with you.

Peter stares at Gwen, stupefied, again, before again snapping out of it.

PETER: No, Gwen. I break up with you. That's what this whole thing was about. Were you not paying attention? Did Emma Stone seriously think that Gwen breaking up with someone that's already in the process of breaking up with her would somehow make her seem like anything other than bratty? And why are you talking like He-Man?

**PLEASE review! I would like it very much!**


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